Least Effort to Find True Love

[AskAphrodite]

I'm tired of interruptions for dating: emails, phone calls and face to face meetings.

How could I find love more efficiently?

There are probably a couple hundred men--located all over the world--who would be good matches for me. (Tim Ferriss, if he weren't 15 years younger, would be among them. I'm 45.)

I value travel, languages, laughter, creative ideas, using my body and the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it.

How would I find the few hundred or so from around the world with whom I'd click from amongst the millions of singles searching? (This is a great business idea, of course.)

[wildsoul]

But isn't meeting & dating PART of your path to love?

I've never tried online dating until just a couple days ago. I can already see what you mean about how it can take time to search/read/reply. Yet at the same time, each contact makes me think a little more deeply about what I'm looking for (and not looking for.) So I see value in the process.

I also think the feature on Match.com, called a "wink" is totally the way to go! I'd much rather get that first, instead of an email letter that I feel I must reply to, even if it's just to say I'm not interested.

[final_id]

I think there's a whole minefield of confusing ideas about dating going on here. Tim, for example, contradicts himself when he suggests that he managed to outsource "finding true love" but then explained that he simply had an assistant ferret through online dating options, whom he then WENT OUT AND DATED. So it wasn't "true love" that he had his assistant find for him, but instead VIABLE DATES. He doesn't tell us if he fell in love with any of them.

I do see that an assistant could be helpful in reading profiles, picking possible targets, improving the odds. Like, I might sign up for Match.com, Yahoo personals, and a bunch of other sites. I might make a profile. Then I could have the assistant improve the profile on the basis of research into what works best; and could have the assistant search for viable potential partners, and send them the first round of greetings. And the assistant could assess the women's responses and thus (for me paying the assistant) limit my eventual time in searching. I would thus have the assistant winnow through the initial screening processes, leaving me with (for example) ten possible dates this month rather than 300 out of whom ten would have to be found. The assistant DOES the finding.

But from there I think anything "outsourced" is counter-productive. A woman is going to judge a man on the basis of the attention he expends on her. For him to deliberately limit that attention? Even if he's paying someone else to do it? I don't think so.

On top of that, half the fun is in winnowing through the 300 to find the ten. If my assistant has explicit criteria -- "must be under 5'9" tall" for example -- he might inadvertently eliminate otherwise ideal matches -- a woman who states "I'm over 5'9" tall but I love dating men who are slightly shorter than me" -- simply because of the assistant's lack of opportunity to "fudge" the criteria.

Of course, those pitfalls exist in any endeavor where you're using an assistant. The same mistakes and overly technical, letter-of-the-law but not spirit-of-the-law analyses could happen with monthly reports or website design. If you communicate well with the assistant, can they do a better job?

The thing that worries me about using an assistant to help me with online dating, is the same thing that worries me about online dating in the first place. The women aren't great catches. True hotties are NOT so desperate for male attention that they have to put profiles up on the internet. Maybe I'm just annoyingly shallow or something, but I have to admit that (among other criteria, such as intelligence, sense of humor, education, common backgrounds, etc.) one of the things I MUST have in a partner is a level of attraction to her VISUAL PHYSICAL appeal. If I lack that, there's no reason to try to do the rest of it, no matter how much the remainder of the package appeals to me. And I think I'm quite common in that sense, with most heterosexual men -- we have to have something visual for our women or we can't "fake" an interest. But, men being men, most of us are already out there in singles bars and young adult clubs slathering attention on the limited few women whom we would (all other things being equal) want to date based solely on their physical appeal.

Women who look "good enough," therefore, aren't available on the internet. They don't need to be. They might learn a lesson -- that the shallow guys whom they're unhappy to meet in real life could be much improved upon if the women would stop putting themselves in situations wherein the males judged them solely on the basis of looks. But the internet's no better a place for that, than any other dating situation. Females can't escape it, and even if males try to turn it off out of some misguided sense of political correctness, it won't go away.

What I find on the internet, are women who have "issues" with this whole concept. They're angry that, as physically unattractive women, men have only ever wanted someone more physically attractive; so they keep secrets about their looks, or lash out at random times. Or, they're angry that, as physically attractive women, men have never cared about anything in their personalities other than their looks; so they keep secrets about their looks, or lash out at random times. Either way, it makes more sense to find someone who is confident in herself, AND physically attractive enough, in the real world.

Are these generalizations? Sure. Are there likely exceptions? Maybe. But my assessment is, that whatever can go wrong in a singles bar, already has gone wrong on the internet, and to a much worse degree.

[AskAphrodite]

VISUAL PHYSICAL appeal.

You're looking for the one who appeals to you. You say the cuties aren't online because they don't need it.

You're right, and you're wrong.

Attraction is in part about physical appearance. And it's a smell (for women, at least). And a way of interacting with one another and the world.

It's when we both get that sparkle in our eyes that says, "I want to know everything about you."

By virtue of our interest in a "Four Hour Work Week," we are not necessarily thinking like everyone else, and we may not meet that right person in our local environment.

We go online. And then we have to sort through piles of emails. And arrange meetings with people who don't live in our towns.

Here's the thing. I've let go of the easy sorting tools: age, height, occupation, hair or no hair, even penis size. Because I want someone who digs me...exactly as I am. And I adore him. Without wanting him to change.

Thinking creatively, how would we match ourselves with the right partner and save time?

[final_id]

Heh ... I can't tell you how often I've had this conversation with women I don't want to bed. All about what men want, what women want, how it isn't "supposed" to be shallow, how the "physical" is just superficial, etc. etc.. We won't see eye to eye. I don't want to bother. I will say you've missed my intent -- maybe I wrote it poorly. I wasn't trying to suggest that the women online were all guaranteed to be unappealing. I was just saying that online is no improvement over real-life, in terms of the "odds" of finding a viable partner; add to that the fact that online ALSO has the detriments, of not being in-person interaction (thus limited likelihood of "chemistry"); add to that the fact that at some point the interaction will have to be person-to-person (thus limiting the utility of hiring an assistant) ... and I'd say online assistant-aided dating has more disadvantages than in-person dating in the first place.

Then again, if there's someone who's got a physical deformity and you hope to keep it secret until he "really falls in love with the real me" (as though the hidden deformity weren't real?) I would suggest internet dating is for that person.

[wildsoul]

Interesting thread, since I'm looking into this a bit right now.

Final_ID: Your comments about physical attraction aren't just about how men feel. Women are screening for that too. If anything, some of us grapple with the programming in reverse. We're supposed to be the ones to overlook the physical component. But I can tell you, that though we might try to talk ourselves into a relationship w/ someone that we're not super-attracted to, because we match on other levels, it will usually backfire later.

I disagree that with you that women "who look good enough," wouldn't as you said, "need to be on the internet." Are you saying that those women can't attract anyone in real life? That doesn't take very much into account.

There are plenty of people (like me) who have recently relocated and don't have friends in an area yet. And also people like me who may want to date someone outside their immediate area. I'm also thinking of a friend of mine, recently divorced, who's friends are all friends with her ex. She's not ready to mix her dating and friendships just yet, so she's looking for someone online.

I am starting to think that a VA could help with screening though. I've got a couple "no way" preferences, such as no facial hair, and must be able to spell and use punctuation, that a VA could easily screen for me. Maybe I'll have mine do that. She totally knows me, and the prescreening would help to keep the real mismatches from becoming tedious. Surely, she'd find it entertaining!

[final_id]

I just want to repeat, I feel like I've been misunderstood again. I do realize perhaps I wrote it poorly, so I apologize.

But I wasn't really trying to say that pretty women didn't put profiles up on the internet merely because they didn't need to. That might mildly be the case -- some women will never use internet dating because they're happy with real-life dating, and that quotient is probably higher among the readily desirable women (physically as well as emotionally speaking) than among the utterly undesirable ones, sure. But that wasn't my main intent.

My main point was simply, that anything that can go wrong in real-world dating can also go wrong in internet dating. PLUS internet dating has other disadvantages to it. PLUS, you can't really (though this may be disproven by subsequent posts, this is what I was saying at the time) use an assistant to do the dating part for you, although you can use an assistant for the earlier winnowing through the masses. Add it all up, and it looked at the time like internet-plus-assistant was actually more hassle than it's worth.

That's all. It wasn't about there being no hot girls on the 'net. In fact, there are more naked hot girls on the 'net than there are on the streets, if you want to be really technical about it ... :p

[seven]

For some reason looking to find true love with "the least amount of effort" seems to me like it's destined to fail.

Personally, I did find my true love online. But, I certainly went through lots of effort.

If you are wanting to find your true love, then the #1 tip I'd give is to be blatantly honest. Firstly, be honest with yourself about what you are looking for. And, then be honest with any potential candidates. That way you can rule out incompatible people ASAP.

As far as the whole physical appeal thing goes, it certainly helps, but I would say it's less important than other aspects. But, perhaps I'm an anomaly on that matter.

7

[Marcie]

My first instinct was to say don't try too hard, if that makes sense!

Also just wanted to mention okcupid.com - it's free and has a lot of neat matching tools.

[cheez avenger]

I do both. I go out and meet women a few nights a week, and when I'm at work or at home, I set up dates online through Match, Myspace, etc...


I'm not out to find my "soulmate" or even a girlfriend. I'm just looking to go out with women and have fun.


I don't do chat, or pay for escorts. I've never paid for sex in my life, and don't intend to start.


Online helps in case you get sick and can't go out, or when you DON'T want to put all your eggs in one basket.


-cheez avenger

[final_id]

I must be a social retard. :(

I've signed up for a lot of different online services, at different times in my life; and I've gone out to bars and clubs; and I've joined social groups and activities; but I just end up rather dissatisfied in the end. Mostly it's that the women who are willing to give me some time, are the women I'm not interested in (usually I think of it in rather simple terms: she's a bad catch, I'm not) often because of freakish characteristics -- no exercise or hygiene habits, or a third-grade education and no better, or three eyeballs, for example.

Maybe outsourcing would up my quotient simply because I'd be using the services of someone who has arguably better social skills than I have. :p

[jpm]

We have the best relationship of any married couple I know. I robbed the cradle and got a hottie.

On-line dating sites are not really dating sites but introduction sites. My wife and I met on line, but we actually dated for a year before we married.

I recommend sites like eharmony and udate over match and yahoo personals. The former having much more extensive profiles than the latter. I believe it was the extensive profile that made the difference as I had no luck on other sites. Success requires that you know what you want and what you're willing to exchange for it.

Dating sites will only get you introductions to people you would otherwise never meet. My wife and I would never have met without the introduction.

[final_id]

E-Harmony keeps rejecting me. I take the long-ass test, I get right to the end, and it says "We currently cannot match you ...".

Of course, the jerks keep my email address and spam me, and when I try to tell them not to, they suggest I just need to cancel my account, but I don't HAVE an account because "we currently cannot match you ...". I think the whole thing is just a spam generator. :(