Gypsy
07-14-2008, 01:50 PM
I had a good weekend. It's Monday and I'm back at work with a low hum of weariness sitting just behind my eyeballs, but it is worth every yawn and head-nod. I'll most likely write about the weekend later, and post pictures as well, but the entire drive to work this morning I was thinking about writing this.
"So, what do you do?"
That's what we say, when we meet someone new. It's the grownup version of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" And since I left high school, I haven't had a good answer. I've had jobs, and gigs, and schemes, and plans, and sometimes something approaching a career. But whenever someone asked me what I did, what I did wasn't what came to mind. If someone had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, none of my jobs would have been the answer. At worst, they were an attrition, a gulag, a sentence with a paycheck at the end. At best, a compromise.
Looking at things from a new perspective lately, I've been reintroduced to myself. After so many life changes in such a short period of time, I've been given the opportunity to re-evaluate myself and my life, without the baggage of preconceptions or foregone conclusions. "What I did" was work for my future. I ran as hard as I could trying to get ahead, and usually ended up slowly losing ground instead. I figured that if I could just stick it out in this job or that for the next five or ten years, I'd be pretty well off.
I don't want to do that anymore.
What do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be a vibrant and creative being, in a community with people of a like mind. I want to entertain, to tell stories in concert with others to a rapt audience and in the span of a performance try to touch their life and their emotions. I want to sing often enough that I get my range back, and spend a good chunk of my time doing things I love so much they give me goosebumps. I want to get up early most days, and sleep in now and again when it's needed. I want to take my dog for long walks, then lie down on a hill and read for a while and let him trot around on his own. I want to see all of my friends, and not just the ones whose schedules are compatible with my own. I want to learn... not because I'll qualify for a better position with a certain degree, but because of the rush finding a new passion provides.
I want to explore. I want to go places that only the adventurous go, places that contrast so strongly with the mundane and everyday set dressings of life you can't help but live in that moment. I want to wake up every so often in a bed that isn't my own, even if it is a little less comfortable. I want to throw open the windows to a skyline that's unfamiliar, filled with the sounds of a people and culture that are a little less well-worn than my own. I want to break bread with strangers, make new friends and hear new stories, and hopefully not share too many of my own. I want to help... locally, abroad, I want to give a piece of myself to the causes I support, and know exactly what it is that my contribution accomplished.
The structure of my life, as it stands, is in almost direct opposition to how I want to live, but it's not beyond repair. I've lived like someone who wants to get rich and then think about what they want to do with the money. I don't need to be rich to be who I want to be when I grow up. If I play my cards right and get a little creative, I barely need to be middle class. So, I don't really want to be rich anymore. I want to make enough money to do what I want, and not so much that it becomes a motive to break up my friendships.
To this end, I'm starting a few projects concurrently, which you'll probably see me talking about elsewhere. I just felt like I needed to write this, because I feel that putting your intentions out into the world is the first step at realizing them, so here it is.
"So, what do you do?"
That's what we say, when we meet someone new. It's the grownup version of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" And since I left high school, I haven't had a good answer. I've had jobs, and gigs, and schemes, and plans, and sometimes something approaching a career. But whenever someone asked me what I did, what I did wasn't what came to mind. If someone had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, none of my jobs would have been the answer. At worst, they were an attrition, a gulag, a sentence with a paycheck at the end. At best, a compromise.
Looking at things from a new perspective lately, I've been reintroduced to myself. After so many life changes in such a short period of time, I've been given the opportunity to re-evaluate myself and my life, without the baggage of preconceptions or foregone conclusions. "What I did" was work for my future. I ran as hard as I could trying to get ahead, and usually ended up slowly losing ground instead. I figured that if I could just stick it out in this job or that for the next five or ten years, I'd be pretty well off.
I don't want to do that anymore.
What do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be a vibrant and creative being, in a community with people of a like mind. I want to entertain, to tell stories in concert with others to a rapt audience and in the span of a performance try to touch their life and their emotions. I want to sing often enough that I get my range back, and spend a good chunk of my time doing things I love so much they give me goosebumps. I want to get up early most days, and sleep in now and again when it's needed. I want to take my dog for long walks, then lie down on a hill and read for a while and let him trot around on his own. I want to see all of my friends, and not just the ones whose schedules are compatible with my own. I want to learn... not because I'll qualify for a better position with a certain degree, but because of the rush finding a new passion provides.
I want to explore. I want to go places that only the adventurous go, places that contrast so strongly with the mundane and everyday set dressings of life you can't help but live in that moment. I want to wake up every so often in a bed that isn't my own, even if it is a little less comfortable. I want to throw open the windows to a skyline that's unfamiliar, filled with the sounds of a people and culture that are a little less well-worn than my own. I want to break bread with strangers, make new friends and hear new stories, and hopefully not share too many of my own. I want to help... locally, abroad, I want to give a piece of myself to the causes I support, and know exactly what it is that my contribution accomplished.
The structure of my life, as it stands, is in almost direct opposition to how I want to live, but it's not beyond repair. I've lived like someone who wants to get rich and then think about what they want to do with the money. I don't need to be rich to be who I want to be when I grow up. If I play my cards right and get a little creative, I barely need to be middle class. So, I don't really want to be rich anymore. I want to make enough money to do what I want, and not so much that it becomes a motive to break up my friendships.
To this end, I'm starting a few projects concurrently, which you'll probably see me talking about elsewhere. I just felt like I needed to write this, because I feel that putting your intentions out into the world is the first step at realizing them, so here it is.