Elimination While Others Attempt to Add?

[dking]

I really like the idea of a minimalist living space; I like the open space, and the fact that I don't run into things quit as much. However, I live with a woman who can only think about buying furniture and big heavy cr*p I don't need or want.

Ideas?

[final_id]

Ah, the conundrum. The beloved one ... and his/her/its STUFF.

Good luck with it. I have no suggestions. :)

[webgal]

An accidental bonfire. Kidding. I'm trying to declutter. But it's hard to find the time. If anything starts to generate enough income, I'll take the time to do this with a vengeance.

[GriffCo]

fires can damage you too. Fire hurts

Try termites

[badhank]

try telling them what your idea of an layout should be, see what theirs is, using words for communication negotiate a living arrangement. Make sure an "agree on every new thing" clause is put in your agreement, with a "instant return" policy on all items breaking that agreement.

[Sven]

Is there a distinction you can make: Taste or "need"?

If there is a clash of taste an interior designer may prove valuable, they are trained in mixing styles.

But if you want to nonsume and your roommate/partner (?) wants to consume it may be less easy.

[webgal]

Wait a minute. Tell her she could make some money selling some of it on Craigslist or ebay. You can give away things on that site, free as well.

[final_id]

I'm actually considering creating an "EBay room." I will set up a laptop, a digital camera, and a desk. I will throw things in there. I will let them lie in boxes. If I take the time, I'll never let them leave until they're paid for by some sucker who outbid all the other suckers, and only then in a UPS box.

At the end of the year I'll invite my friends to come to an "EBay room" party. They can have anything (except the desk, camera, and laptop) in the room.

[EditorDude]

Well - how important is it to you? If it's only a few pieces of furniture, compromise - it may not make that much of a difference. On the other hand, if it is significant, and it is affecting your life, then I suppose it's time to have a serious chat with your partner - perhaps even educate him - bring him in to the club as it were. Otherwise, you could get your own place.

[dking]

Well - how important is it to you? If it's only a few pieces of furniture, compromise - it may not make that much of a difference. On the other hand, if it is significant, and it is affecting your life, then I suppose it's time to have a serious chat with your partner - perhaps even educate him - bring him in to the club as it were. Otherwise, you could get your own place.

Him? Its been clearly stated that I'm a straight man living with a straight woman.. wtf?

I own the house in question, btw. I'm not going to "get my own place"; If it comes to that I would just kick her out of my house.

My issue is that I can come home and suddenly find something new in my way, and I'm not sure how to handle it since at that point I don't have the legal ability to take the item she bought and throw it out, being as its not my property. I refuse to buy stuff myself all the time, but that does not stop her.

[EditorDude]

LOL - My apologies - I didn't intend to imply anything, I merely forgot your gender (blame it on speed reading). No, that's fine, if it's your place even better - vice versa - she can get her own place - but I didn't mean it in a negative way that would break up the relationship - perhaps just make her understand you need your own space. Although, yes, worst case scenario - you could break up. It's a personal thing ofcourse but this being the 4hww forum, applying the 80/20 principal to relationships in general, if it is reducing the quality of your life significantly, it is an option to consider. Another option yet is to get her to rent some storage space - that alone will put her off buying additional stuff. If you want to go down a legal route - then I suppose it's a matter of putting things in writing, such as an agreement, that both of you sign. Notice I haven't mentioned getting a lawyer lol - afterall, you don't want to waste money. But it helps to get some form of legal advise to make sure it is legally binding - I believe you can purchase readily available legal contracts such as tenancy agreements - however I do not know if there is such a thing for your scenario. As you are the owner of the home, I believe the law will sway in your direction, especially if the lady in question is not paying rent or anything towards a mortgage - but the law is tricky so use caution. BTW - I'm not a lawyer, so don't take anything I say as written in stone - these are merely suggestions.
Anyway, I hope this gives you food for thought atleast. Best of luck.

[webgal]

I don't think the answer is to kick her out. And to be frank, she's not going to change all that much. Clutter bugs usually stay clutter bugs. There are worse things. She's not a drug addict. She's not a child beater. She's just a clutter bug and you love her.

But she does have to understand you are not a clutter bug and that you need some space. So like everything else in marriage and family--you compromise.

[final_id]

Sounds more like a problem of communication and cooperation, than one of elimination of stuff. You're sounding angry at your own wife, and then whining here in terms that roughly come down to "She's got a problem! What's wrong with her? She needs to fix herself." I know, you didn't LITERALLY say that, but I'm kinda reading between the lines.

Frankly, I agree. Women DO need to fix themselves. I'd hazard that of all the "eliminators" on this thread, in Tim's blog-o-sphere, and at unclutterer.com and similar places, 99% are male. There's something "group think" or "gaggle of hens" that women seem to undergo, which simply requires them to value the accumulation of property -- and the ABILITY to accumulate more. In traditional societies, heterosexual men impress women with their ability to GET STUFF. It's the rare woman who can stand outside that culturally imposed box and actually ... golly-gee-mister-science ... think for herself.

It makes me sad, in fact. I live as best I can the life I'd like to lead. And that usually drives dates away from me. Attractive women, who say to themselves and their friends and my parents, "He's such a great catch. Except for one thing. He just WON'T lavish me with gifts, spend excessively on fancy cars and jewelry, and basically eat the pink pill of conformity and somnolescence. I wish we could ... ya know ... make him ... BETTER. How can we MAKE him value more stuff? Because his absence of stuff really makes him unsexy."

Grr ...

[Sven]

Well.... Was the guy in 9 1/2 weeks not sexy? Exept for the suits he did not have much stuff. But very nice stuff! If I remember correctly women realy liked his apearance. (I don't know, was looking at Kim;-)

But if you lead a rare lifestyle, suitable partners will be rare too. Time for a 4hww dating site.

[dking]

But if you lead a rare lifestyle, suitable partners will be rare too. Time for a 4hww dating site.

Already working on that, actually.

I met her when before I moved to this area and my skills where found to be valuable. She made more money than I did, at that point. As it is I just tell her "No, woman. Grr!" in the most friendly way I know how.

I notice that she also seems OCD about my bank balances, and that annoys me. As a man, I don't like people snooping.

[webgal]

Frankly, I agree. Women DO need to fix themselves. I'd hazard that of all the "eliminators" on this thread, in Tim's blog-o-sphere, and at unclutterer.com and similar places, 99% are male. There's something "group think" or "gaggle of hens" that women seem to undergo, which simply requires them to value the accumulation of property -- and the ABILITY to accumulate more. In traditional societies, heterosexual men impress women with their ability to GET STUFF. It's the rare woman who can stand outside that culturally imposed box and actually ... golly-gee-mister-science ... think for herself.

It makes me sad, in fact. I live as best I can the life I'd like to lead. And that usually drives dates away from me. Attractive women, who say to themselves and their friends and my parents, "He's such a great catch. Except for one thing. He just WON'T lavish me with gifts, spend excessively on fancy cars and jewelry, and basically eat the pink pill of conformity and somnolescence. I wish we could ... ya know ... make him ... BETTER. How can we MAKE him value more stuff? Because his absence of stuff really makes him unsexy."
Grr ...

I'm female. I can tell you that doesn't describe me at all. I want to burn possessions and I don't buy for the sake of buying. In fact, I buy nothing new unless 5-10 things get donated and out the door. I actually think "stuff accumulation" is more of an age thing than a gender thing.

I know men that can't walk into Best Buy without hauling a freaking big screen tv that costs $10k when they already have 3 of them. Or a sports car that's $100k when a $25k car would be fine. My husband is a miserable gift giver and not at all material but we're still married after 20 years. I can tell you that I am very happy. But you're not married that long without some speed bumps and serious compromises along the way. You can't change other people.

I've worked in advertising and marketing for 25 years and from studying markets, there are just as many men who are sucker consumers than there are women. The flip side of that argument is, "Who the hell is buying all that success peddler crap that promises you a vault of cash will land in you lap as soon as you start a website?" Men. And they're buying it over and over and over. What I'm saying is that people of a certain age are prone to put more value on possessions. The possessions are different based on gender. Young women just buy different stuff.

dking- It is very typical for clutter bugs to actually be hoarders of stuff. And that disorder is also very closely tied to or partnered with OCD. It affects the same brain center. She might have the lighter OCD personality disorder or the out-and-out OCD disorder. She might just have OCD tendencies. If she's over 25, any therapy would probably have to be supplemented with medication.

Patients can usually be weaned off medication as they learn coping strategies. Some people really can't exist without meds. It depends. Often anxiety attacks go with OCD. But not always. OCD is a serious problem if it impedes everyday life to the point that you straighten rug fronds for 3 hours or won't leave because your hands are too dirty and you scrub the skin off. However, even if she was treated, the hoarding part would probably only subside for up to 2 years. There doesn't seem to be a cure for that of any kind. It can be really tough for spouses to live with it. And I know the money spent is aggravating.

[TimW]

I know men that can't walk into Best Buy without hauling a freaking big screen tv that costs $10k when they already have 3 of them. Or a sports car that's $100k when a $25k car would be fine.

I don't really care about big screen TVs, but the one gun I really want costs about $18,000


:)

[Sven]

I don't care much for cars either. Do like wally sailing yachts though. They start at 1m or something... But then I'd need a berth in the med. And a plane to get there. And someone to take care of it. mmm...

I'll stick to my small one, 75 mins drive from my home.
Still need a matching girl. How's that 4hww dating website comming along?

[dking]

I dont have much affinity for cars myself ;)

She has her share of problems, then again who does not? Nobody is perfect, and I do love a lot of things about her.

The website? Strangely enough i have the design thought out, and am trying elance out the hard part.. but I have no bids. Strange. I wonder what I did wrong, it was posted over 9 hours ago.

[webgal]

Sven, I can't imagine the ladies aren't all over you dude. What's wrong with them? They're missing out.

And, dk, no one is perfect. There's always something to live with or get used to. As much as we love you here, there might be some things about you that are also hard to live with even though I feel sure you're 'bout near perfect.

And see? Guys just buy different stuff. And usually more expensive stuff. My weakness is diamonds. I hold dear to it because it's one of the few things that prove I'm not androgynous. After all these years, I still have tomboy tendencies. Heck, Sven thought I was a guy at first.

[Sven]

Well, if you'd chosen internetmeisje as your login it would have been very clear to me :-)

[dking]

My weakness is diamonds. I hold dear to it because it's one of the few things that prove I'm not androgynous. After all these years, I still have tomboy tendencies. Heck, Sven thought I was a guy at first.

Diamonds are actualy a terrible investment right now; Multiple startups are able to make diamond bricks on demand. The price will drop like a stone as soon as we hit the diamond age; Buy gold or silver instead.

Thank you all for your replies.

[final_id]

Ya know, y'all might indeed be right. I guess I hadn't really thought through the whole concept of whether or not women, as a group, are more acquisitive than men. I'll modify my opinion:

... in common dating circles among college-educated North Americans, typically the male is expected at some point to verify his capacity for material acquisition by owning and displaying expensive objects. My own interest, in avoiding expensive objects, has inadvertently led me to display a lack of desirability within that typical dating pool, and has consequently caused me to develop some small degree of resentment toward the usual materialism required by the dating "system." Not that ALL women are evil, just that all women are expected by the "system" to be evil. :)

There.

But, as someone else said on this thread, if you're living a rare lifestyle, then compatible partners will be all that more rare. I'm going to have to remind myself of that sort of generalization, before I go making my own.

I think y'all get what I'm getting at now. Don'tcha?