Tweaked and Tweaked...My Updated Muse. Any new feedback?

[HalfSwede]

Hi Folks:
I have continued to tweak my muse. Initial feedback last week was very much appreciated.

I've worked on the copy, headlines, subheads, and even added a 60-second audio testimonial (about 1/2 down the page inside one of the yellow boxes).

I think everything is pretty much ready for some AdWords testing.

Any additional feedback would be much appreciated!

Here it is: www.MaxFundraising.com (http://www.MaxFundraising.com)

Cheers,
HalfSwede

[Vagabond]

Hi Folks:
I have continued to tweak my muse. Initial feedback last week was very much appreciated.

I've worked on the copy, headlines, subheads, and even added a 60-second audio testimonial (about 1/2 down the page inside one of the yellow boxes).

I think everything is pretty much ready for some AdWords testing.

Any additional feedback would be much appreciated!


Here it is: www.MaxFundraising.com (http://www.MaxFundraising.com)

Cheers,
HalfSwede


"Fundraising Ideas, Insights and Secrets That Will Help Your School or Non-Profit Organization Raise An Extra $500...$1,000...$5,000...or Possibly More"

Headline is too long and I think "or possibly more" is awkward and almost sounds like you might not even believe it.

Also the numbers seem arbitrary and wouldn't translate to everyone. If the persons last fundraiser raised $500 then those increases are great! but what if theyre already raising $50,000?

How about... "Double your last fundraiser with these proven secrets"

Sub Heading... Expert reveals advanced techniques and how to avoid the top 3 pitfalls that all novice fundraisers make"

Or something like that...

[HalfSwede]

Headline is too long and I think "or possibly more" is awkward and almost sounds like you might not even believe it.

Also the numbers seem arbitrary and wouldn't translate to everyone. If the persons last fundraiser raised $500 then those increases are great! but what if theyre already raising $50,000?

How about... "Double your last fundraiser with these proven secrets"

Sub Heading... Expert reveals advanced techniques and how to avoid the top 3 pitfalls that all novice fundraisers make"

Thank you, Vagabond. Valid points.

The tricky part is that there can be a wide range in how much an organization increases their fundraising. If they are raising $5,000, they could likely easily double that. If they are already at $50,000, I might be able to only help them raise an extra $10,000. That said, the program is still a bargain at $89.95! :)

I'll keep working on it!

Cheers,
HalfSwede